News Bites: Take-Two and EA sitting in a conference room, T-A-L-K-I-N-G
For Electronic Arts, the second time looks to be a charm: their less-than-benevolent maneuvers in Ubisoft’s direction haven’t really panned-out, but Take-Two could very well be the next feather in EA’s cap. It’s only a matter of time until the two companies reach a compromise on price point and Michael Patcher’s prognostication comes true.
Of course, many people are crying out against EA’s Borg-like tendencies, but really, this won’t be so bad. Why? Because.
…
Ok, here’s why:
Money: Take-Two has been riding a roller-coaster as of late, and not the debatably good, wheeled-kind. Between the Manhunt 2 controversy, executive re-shufflings, and stocks that rode the aforementioned roller-coaster long past the point of barfing, Take-Two could use a little stability. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but EA seems to have a fair amount of the green stuff (money, not throw-up) backing their projects. If Take-Two hopped on board, they would too. Now on to the less obvious benefits.
Freedom: I know. This seems like a stretch to anyone who casually follows gaming news, but it’s practically fact these days. EA is no longer an artless, franchise-milking corporation. They’re still a corporation, but now they encourage creativity and individuality. Evidence? Well, for one thing, look at the Valve situation; EA publishes Valve titles at retail and misses out on lucrative online profits. And never once (to our knowledge) have they tried to consume Valve. Additionally, take a look at the veritable waterfall of intriguing games EA is producing: Facebreaker, Battlefield: Heroes, Army of Two, Burnout Paradise, and many more! Note that instead of iterating on tried-and-true franchises, EA is creating new ones while re-inventing the grizzled veterans. Lastly, for an example that much resembles the Take-Two situation, observe EA’s purchase of Bioware-Pandemic. EA owns them, but they’re still autonomous. Hell, Bioware is allegedly working on KOTOR Thr…er, a project with LucasArts. Similarly, EA’s GDC speech focused on why it’s a terrible idea to absorb free-thinkers into a rigidly structured skyscraper of a company. I mean, they’re actually admitting that they used to really screw-up. But now, like an unfaithful lover, they’re making amends.
Competition in the marketplace: Blizzavision? Actard? However you choose to mangle the company’s name, Activision Blizzard is the new old-EA (iterating franchises ad nauseam, being really big) and now new EA is the only force able to stop Activison Blizzard from firing their evil complacency beam on an unsuspecting industry. Ok, so maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but a single, uncontested company is never a good thing; if nothing else, Monopoly should’ve instilled you with such knowledge.
So, this post was originally going to discuss Playstation Home and my impressions of Lost Odyssey as well as the Take-Two buyout, but it looks like I’m out of time. Sleep is sweet, sweet nectar, and without it, well, I really don’t know where I was going with that analogy. So yeah, sleep.
Oh, one more thing: Story In Games week isn’t over. Look forward to its other two installments on Friday and Saturday. I’m really pushing it in terms of what could be considered a week, aren’t I?
Raiden Done Right
Since I’m still shifting and straining to squeeze into this relatively brand-new blog, I’ve decided to do a little experimenting. The first bubbly concoction you’ll bear witness to is a somewhat tried-and-true formula (we can’t all create an evil, alternate ego potion on our first try): the theme week. As such, most — if not all — of this week’s blog posts will focus, in some way, on story in gaming. Now, I’m not promising a cohesive collection of articles here, although a couple of them might connect in ways most profound. You’ll just have to read them all to find out.
Over the past few years, gaming has grown from a mostly-juvenile form of entertainment and escapism to a legitimate medium of artistic expression. Story and characters have evolved tremendously: whether you consider Bioshock’s Andrew Ryan, whose madness is chronicled through tape recordings placed conveniently throughout the failed utopia of Rapture, Half-Life 2’s (yes, Half-Life 2, specifically) Gordon Freeman, who never speaks a word, yet develops a near tangible bond with Alyx Vance, or Portal’s Glados, a maniacal A.I. who practically is the game’s story, you can’t deny that gaming — plot and character foremost — has come a long way.
Oddly enough, however, of all the colorful characters gaming has produced in the past couple of years, I find myself most drawn to the main character of a game that, for all intents and purposes, stuck its fingers in its ears and loudly sang “Lalalalalala” while other titles pushed gaming forward. The game? Devil May Cry 4. Now, I’m not saying DMC4 is a bad game; it’s an over-the-top, sword-swingin’, demon-bashing, good time. But if you can — without averting your eyes — tell me that it does anything other games in its same genre haven’t, then you probably also draw creepy, homoerotic pictures of characters from the series and sell them on Ebay, and you scare me. Now go on — shoe!
Of course, by now, anyone with even a passing knowledge of DMC probably would’ve guessed that the chatacter I’m talking about is perennial uber-badass, Dante.
And they’d be wrong.
Snowy-haired and cloaked in red, Nero might as well be a professional Dante impersonator, sharing a walk of life with the likes of Elvis #134 and most every anime fan. But look beyond the superficial and you’ll find that Nero stands strong in his own right; in fact, as a character, he accomplishes what even Raiden of Metal Gear Solid 2 fame could not: he surpasses his gruff, more experienced counterpart.
(See the resemblance?)
When we’re first introduced to Nero, we see him running down a slightly decrepit, gothic-styled alleyway. Ostensibly, he’s trying to reach Kyrie (his girlfriend) before she finishes singing a melody so loud that it seemingly pervades the air waves of an entire city. But the path to a giant, imposing chapel is always fraught with danger, and it’s not long before Nero is drop-kicking puppet demons in sloooow moootion. So yeah, Nero is just as slick as Dante, and also shares his appreciation of professional wrestling. And when the two white-haired wonders meet in battle, the fireworks really fly.
Here’s the funny part, though: in spite of all the obviously over-the-top similarities the two characters share, Nero comes off as infintely more believable. See, Dante’s too cool to express any emotion, save for an arrogant sense of snarkiness. This has its benefits in a series like DMC, where the storyline tends to become fairly heavy, and sometimes depressing. On top of that, you typically play as a lone hero, with nary a sign of company in miles worth of dank castle. Soon, however, you begin to notice that Dante wise-cracks about everything, and much of that crackin’ wise isn’t even clever. (Capcom’s writing staff is partially to blame, but I digress.) Dante begins to devolve from the Legendary Son of Sparda and demon-hunter extraordinaire to an exaggerated manifestation of early-onset mid-life crisis.
That’s why Nero is such a breath of fresh air; sure, he does his share of mouthing off to creatures who are 20 times his size and an infinite number of times more on-fire, but he’s brash and young. Plus, there’s an air of seriousness that pervades Nero’s mission; Dante just seems like he’s saving the world for the hell of it. Now, those fairly minor discrepancies are somewhat noticeable, but when Kyrie is kidnapped, Nero really comes into his own. He becomes a man possessed, a single purpose driving him through horde after horde of demons. And most importantly, when Nero is captured by his enemies and all hope seems lost, he uses his love for Kyrie — and his utter determination to save her — as motivation to unlock his greatest powers.
This inspiring — yet admittedly cliched — love story is tied inextricably to the yarn which the game spins. Nero devotes himself completely to Kyrie’s rescue, and he never looks back. Even though Nero spouts one-liners with typical Capcom proficiency and punches legions of demons with an ethereal demon arm, you never lose sight of his human side. So when Nero’s sure he’s lost Kyrie forever, it’s no surprise that he falls to the ground and weeps*. It’s bitter, too — let’s just say that his demon arm still packs quite a punch when it’s repeatedly slammed into the ground in dejected fury.
But it fits. And it’s a perfect realization of the idealized nerd love story. In essence, DMC4’s story is what every nerd dreams of: a knight-in-shining-armor situation where the hero is driven to save his girl, yet the he’s far from perfect. He falls, he fails, and we identify with him. Raiden’s problem was his lack of “knighthood.” While he was certainly just as down-to-earth as Nero — if not moreso — but he lacked any semblance of heroism. I mean, who wants to hear a blonde, long-haired picture of androgyny gripe at his girlfriend when he should be deftly snapping the necks of enemy soldiers? Raiden was too human, whereas Nero, who’s suitably part-demon, strikes a perfect balance between human empathy and heroic might. Raiden only served to hold up a mirror and direct the spotlight back onto Solid Snake; Nero steals the spotlight and never stays out of its warm glow for long.
(Maybe in Metal Gear Solid 4, my friend; maybe in Metal Gear Solid 4.)
Just as the advent of a new current generation of consoles signifies change in the videogaming world, Devil May Cry’s new residence on those consoles heralds a change in the series. Nero leads the charge, both hands raised in the air — one human, the other demon. Long live Nero, Devil May Cry’s new hero and a believable character in a medium that sorely lacks more of his kind.
*Yes, a Devil did Cry. Good job making that connection. You’re the person who named your character “Zelda” in The Legend of Zelda, aren’t you?
News Bites: Snack-Pack Edition
As you may have noticed, this is my second News Bite today. With any luck, I’ll be writing these fairly frequently. Anyway, onto the topic at hand.
It’s no stretch to say that this is the most excited I’ve been after simply reading about a game concept since first I lifted a gamepad. I mean, just look at this:
(All pictures taken from Rock, Paper, Shotgun. I hope they don’t hate me.)
That’s not some exquisite painting — or at least, not of the typical, static variety. It’s a screenshot from the game! Love looks as though it could finally fulfill the secret dream of all cel-shaded games — to actually be a painting in motion.
But what is Love, exactly?
Well, in the most basic of terms, it’s a mini-MMO. But beyond that, it’s a living, breathing, procedural world. See, the development staff is chock-full of talent, but all of that talent is packed tightly into a single guy — art, gameplay, programming, everything! That’s right, there’s still room for “indie” development in today’s crowded, sequelitis-infested marketplace.
As a result of the development team’s slight lack in quantity, much of the game world will be procedural; algorithms will serve as God’s right hand in Love’s picture-esque setting. And here’s the cool part: We’ll serve as the left hand.
Players will create villages, deform terrain, and discover methods of item creation that — in a community-oriented twist — will be for the benefit of not just the intrepid players who discover them, but for all other colorful adventurers as well. With any luck, griefers will think twice before killing those who are putting bread on their figurative tables.
(Rock, Paper, Shotgun, have I mentioned how nice you look today?)
It seems that Games 2.0 (or 3.0, or whatever we’re calling it) has finally arrived. In a Worthplaying article, I predicted that LittleBigPlanet would be the harbinger of gaming’s next earth-shaking step, but with XNA (more on that little occurrence later), Love, and so many others stepping up to the plate, the preemptive champion might just find itself dethroned and relegated to mere groupie status. But hey, at least it’ll have comrades-in-arms.
Crunchy, Milk-Soaked News Bites: Installment One.
It’s a phrase I coined to describe Disney’s DGamer initiative, which — despite its usage most probably being relegated to the likes of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody and, at best, Jesus Lion: The Sequel — looks to have some potential.
In essence, DGamer seeks to combine features from the Wii’s clean yet saccharine interface with the Xbox360’s achievements — the best of both worlds, if you will. Then, those features will be integrated into Disney’s website, creating a wholly unified experience.
So, which features is Disney paying homage to? Pull out your clip-board, because it’s time for a checklist:
Customizable avatars: These are, of course, the Dismiis of which I earlier spoke. But hey, Miis rock. Who doesn’t enjoy creating a hilariously exaggerated version of their worst enemy and then picking him/her up and watching it/them kick and cry-out in protest? Now, you can clothe them in a myriad of advertiser-friendly Disney memorabilia! And even if you’re not completely maniacal, the ability to utilize the same avatars in multiple games lends a personality that otherwise wouldn’t exist. At the very least, fan fiction will no longer be the only option for those who wish to interact with Mickey, Hannah Montana, and a gang of rambunctious pirates — while dressed as them.
Honors: In the grand tradition of Xbox Achievements, Honors are gameplay-specific awards given to the player when a specific task is accomplished. It may not sound like much, but when enterprising gamers are making gobs of cash by ebaying their Achievement-loaded Xbox Live accounts, it’s obvious that Microsoft is on to something. Disney — along with Valve, Sony, and, thanks to a certain web application, real life — realized this. Achievements create a certain frothy-mouthed drive in gamers that normal in-game incentives can’t seem to inspire. Honors, then, will replicate this sort of meta-RPG — this improvement of your own “character,” i.e. yourself. Taken in conjunction with transferable, unified avatars, who, in theory should be able to carry previous Honors when they travel between games, the system sounds positively enticing.
Let’s put it this way: Have you ever voluntarily picked-up a Disney game, knowledgeable of the consequences your actions will carry? What about now? Would you give it a shot with this system in place? Lie all you want, but I see a twinkle of excitement in your eye.
With any luck, Nintendo will jump on this bandwagon as well, and introduce actual Miis to the DS. They really should, too — thus far, every bandwagon Nintendo has created or hitched a ride on has taken them straight to the bank.
Miscellaneous Debris
Far Cry was many things to many people: A shooter, a graphical powerhouse, an excellent demonstration of non-linear gameplay — but we must continue down life’s rough road without it. Yes, Far Cry has passed on. And where’d it go? Well, just watch.
Apparently Fatman from Metal Gear Solid 2 found new work. Good for him!
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How do you feel about the idea of a singular, unified console that eschews optical media in favor of downloadable content, incorporates perfect motion-detection-based gameplay, allows for easily accessible user-created content, and is mostly free of Skynet’s influence? Well, you might not be waiting much longer. Or maybe you will — according to Evan Wilson, anyway.
Since we officially entered the new current-gen, or new-gen, roughly three days ago, we are now allowed to feverishly anticipate a new next-gen, or next next-gen. Wilson, an analyst from Pacific Crest Securities, has predicted the advent of the next console cycle as occurring in 2010. Yep — two years from now.
If we place the current console cycle’s beginning at November of 2005, the day gamers giddily entered the world of Perfect Dark Zero, then that means the PS3-Wii-360 cycle will have just barely lasted five years before being approached by a new challenger.
Wilson believes Nintendo will be first out the gate — supply issues be damned — followed by Microsoft — supply issues be damned. Is he onto something here? Well, kinda. Nintendo has an impetus to launch first — the Wii is graphically underpowered when matched against its large and imposing competitors. And Microsoft launched first during the current console cycle, so why not follow their figurative jab with a cross five years later?
But after that, the argument sort of falls apart. The Wii is on top of the videogame market, wielding a jewel-encrusted Wiimote as a gleaming scepter, and it’s only gaining speed. Why? Innovation and price point. The Wii is proof positive that graphical prowess is secondary to new and interesting experiences; Nintendo knows this. What reason do they have to launch early when they’re already graphically inferior and, in part, winning because of that fact?
In the handheld arena, Wilson believes both the DS and the PSP will also see the future in 2010. Here, he’s more or less correct. Both handhelds will be hitting their “sell-by” dates right around that time, and maybe slightly sooner. But then, both portables are still speeding right along — occasionally lapping their monolithic cousins — and bringing in money by the truckload for their respective creators. So yeah, 2010 sounds about right.
Dear Diar…Gaming Journal: Entry Two.
2/12/08 One Piece: Unlimited Adventure
Well, it’s certainly long, anyway.
Oddly enough, this game is really winning me over. Quite frankly, I went into OP:UA expecting a typical underperforming anime game – generic cel-shaded graphics, shallow gameplay, and a story that’d be better suited to, well, a filler episode of a long-running anime series.
But that’s not what I got. OP:UA is essentially Zelda, but without dungeons and, as a result of that, it features far fewer puzzles. Combat is par for the course, although little flourishes – like the characters’ signature moves and the way Zoro confidently sheathes his blades after he vanquishes a foe — create a slight, but noticeable spark that fuels a spectacular blaze. What do I mean? Well, in OP:UA, the license definitely makes the game, but it doesn’t hold back the gameplay while doing it.
OP:UA exudes personality just like the anime on which it’s based. Seriously, instead of aping a filler episode, the game is a perfect example of why the series has so many fans. The overall plot tends to slip into generic territory on occasion, but the writing is so well done that your disappointments tend to dissolve away into gleeful laughter.
And oh is there laughter. Funimation crafted an excellent script and their voice actors’ performances are so natural that you’ll believe the dialogue was recorded by an authentic fictional pirate crew – not some voice actors trapped in a dark room at odd parts of the day. Actually, I’m not sure if the Japanese release of OP:UA had such a great script. Funimation tends to re-write anime scripts into something more suited for a delicate American palette. But unlike most every other studio, Funimation not only chops the script into bite-sized pieces, but they deftly reassemble it into a figurative omelet – a delicious mix of chopped-up yet essential Japanese story elements stirred together with American sensibilities and humor.
As enticing as I’m sure all this sounds, I fear you’ll have to wait until my Worthplaying review goes live in a week or so to find out more about the gameplay and other constituent elements. In penance, I’ll walk the plank. A plank. A wooden floor.
Dear Diar…Gaming Journal: Entry One.
2/11/08 Devil May Cry 4
I had a revelation during my post-breakfast DMC play session: Nero may not be near the badass that Dante is, but damn it if Nero doesn’t match my play style better. See, DMC4 is all about offense – the best defense is a good offense, and the best offense is apparently a Stretch Armstrong-style, spiky, glowing arm.
Enemies in DMC4 attack much like a swarm of bees – taken alone, few enemies can even touch Dante or Nero, let alone harm them. But together, a multitude of prickly, irritating stings is enough to splatter even the greatest Spardan warrior’s blood. Thus, it’s crucial to keep foes at a distance – an area in which Nero – ahem – excels. Puppet demons and lizard men swarming all around you? Simply burst free from the crowd, but don’t forget to bring company; the Devil Bringer whips-out and reels-in enemies as though they were – and in some cases, they are – fish. In fact, I suppose Nero’s gameplay sections are really a giant fishing metaphor. He guts them and everything!
Anyway, Dante – having at this point saved the world multiple times – is the one who deserves to be baking under a hot sun and casting-out the ole’ line, but he shows an unfortunate disinterest in doing so. As such, for me, playing as Dante involves using a three or four combos and occasionally switching weapons. Generally, I take my Dante on fine Rebellion silver with a dash of Gilgamesh, but that leads to an issue: Like a celebrity in a paparazzi convention, I just can’t keep my malefactors off me. In desperation, I mash the B button, but Dante merely twirls his blade, as though he were shrugging off my laughable attempts and wondering why I’d prefer his love-struck protégé over the Son of Sparda himself.
Dante is, however, the perfect proportions of cheese, cockiness, and hilarity rolled into a devilishly handsome package. What? I can have a man-crush, can’t I?
Ramblage: “Train Kept a Rambling” Edition
It’s happened to most everyone at some point or another; you had a hobby/favorite band/television show that perfectly characterized your lot in life – you were the master of that domain. But then, something strange happened: As you sat in your walled-off castle of a niche, other people started scaling your walls. And before long, the walls began to crumble. Strangers flocked to your domain in droves; you didn’t know what to think anymore. Your cushy, comfortable space no longer belonged solely to you; and worst of all, it – seemingly uncaring about your plight – allowed itself to become deformed by outside influence.
Those who are “in the know” about videogames will undoubtedly agree that gamers are currently experiencing such a situation. Now, that’s not to say that gaming’s sudden boost in popularity and accessibility – thanks in great part to the successes of the Wii and Guitar Hero – is a detriment to our hobby. Quite the contrary, in fact – I believe that the influx of money into the industry will allow creativity to flourish. Sure, we’ll have to suffer through “Imagine: Ponies” and many of its ilk, but we’ll have future Bioshocks and Portals – titles that push game design forward – to anticipate, and in greater numbers to boot.
Nevertheless, there will be a few collisions on the two-sided road that gaming has now become, and while every collision doesn’t necessarily result in the totaling of all cars/videogames involved, neither does every collision result in a happy, non-lethal, “This’ll be a great story to tell the kids, one day” meeting between two future lovers. Obviously, there’s a grab-bag of possibilities, and unfortunately, the flaming fireballs tend to outnumber the make-out sessions, so to speak. But in gaming’s case, while the above metaphor will hold true, so many excellent titles will emerge – again, Portal is a great example of casual simplicity combined with hardcore conventions – that hardcore gamers won’t have time to notice the cavalcade of casual shovelware being released all around them.
Occurrences during the past couple of weeks characterize this trend beautifully. Most noticeably, the Wii, while dwarfed in physical size when compared to its competitors, has been rampaging around Japan in a suitably Godzilla-esque fashion. But then again, it’s been doing the same in America — although surely choosing to instead imitate the Cloverfield monster (gotta change with the times) – so that’s not so surprising. What is at least somewhat surprising, however, are the brisk sales of Wii Fit. On the very day of its announcement at E3 2007, many were heralding it as the next Wii Sports, but others – myself included – remained a wee bit skeptical. I mean, the game’s dependant on a tiny, plastic balance board that looks more like it should be in your bathroom measuring your weight than in your living room, well, measuring your weight. And quite frankly, leaning back-and-forth isn’t gonna make those six slices of pizza a non-factor, no matter how much you may wish it. But somehow, Wii Fit has managed to sell nearly 1.5 million units in Japan alone. Will it be the next Wii Sports? It certainly appears so, and the game’s American release in a couple months looks to solidify that claim.
It seems that titles like Wii Fit and Wii Sports are Nintendo’s future. Somewhat ironically, however, Super Smash Bros. Brawl – as vivid a reminder of Nintendo’s past as any – has also managed to make its own impact in Nihon, and let’s just say the crater’s already nearly the same size as that of its more health-minded cousin. So far, anyway, it would appear that Nintendo’s living up to their promise of placing lemonade stands on both sides of the street. Kudos to Miyamoto and company – keep it up.
Meanwhile, back in America, Electronic Arts – former King Soulless Corporation of the videogame hill, having now ceded that title to Activison – is also attempting to appeal to both sides of the great videogame divide. And to their credit, they have some good ideas, but their methods leave a little bit to be desired. Good idea: Imitate Team Fortress 2; Bad method: Steal only TF2’s art style, as its cartoon-aesthetics will surely appeal to a wide range of audiences! Good idea: Simplify gameplay to attract gaming neophytes; Bad method: Under-simplification and subsequent application of that idea to franchises that hardcore gamers greatly admire. End result: Alienation of hardcores, casuals, and most everyone in-between. Granted, much of this is speculation on my part, but here are some things I can (almost) guarantee: Fans of Fight Night: Round 3 and Battlefield 2 don’t want to see their virtual avatars sporting googly eyes and comically over-sized jaw-lines. Similarly, hardcore fans of both series want perfectly-tuned gameplay, not dumbed-down bastardizations of what they’ve come to know and love.
Am I jumping the gun on this judgment? Yeah, no doubt. So, free of charge, I’m going to point out the flaws in my argument. Most crucially, for all anyone knows, EA could have small armies – almost literally, in Battlefield’s case – working on “real” titles in their respective series; “Fight Night: Round 4” and “Battlefield: Now with 100% Fewer Mechs” could very well be announced in a few days, weeks, or months – we have no way of knowing. Another flaw of near-equal importance: I have no great incite into the development teams at EA. They’re the top-tier game-creating geniuses; I’m just some wannabe games journalist. While the developers might screw things up, there’s an equal chance that they’ll pull the proverbial hat trick and give us something spectacular.
To punctuate this meandering piece, why not discuss the only game to perfectly connect both sides of Gamestreet? Valve, in a typically vague and secretive fashion, was content to recently state that they’ll eventually release “more Portal.”…Done applauding? Ok, because now, I’m gonna stick a fine-tipped needle into your exquisitely bulbous bubble. Portal is amazing, incredible, ground-breaking, and hilarious, but can a sequel live up to the astronomically high standards the original set forth? In terms of gameplay, certainly. Valve merely scratched the surface of a figurative iceberg, that, with further digging, would turn out to be the ice-planet Hoth. But what about the hypothetical sequel’s story? What happens when the confines of Aperture Science are no longer present, and Glados isn’t in control? And even if Glados manages to find her way back into our lives, will her dark humor be as novel next time around? Really, the internet has already found a way to kill many of the jokes Portal created – I would’ve once been overjoyed to own a “The Cake is a Lie” T-shirt, but I’m now content to silently despise those who wear such apparel. Granted, knowing Valve, Portal 2 will be great, but I highly doubt it’ll be able to surpass its predecessor. Funnily enough, however, no game since Half-Life 2 has had this kind of hype to live up to. So if anyone can do it, Valve can.
Cooking Mama 2 Review: Director’s Commentary
February 24, 2008 at 1:36 am (Director's Commentary)
To spare you the leg-work, here’s a link to the review in question. So grab some popcorn, turn down the lights, and get ready for the first installment of Director’s Commentary!
Out-takes
1. At first, I was at a loss as to where to go with the intro paragraph. My only thoughts were “mini-games” and “pink.” Eventually, as those thoughts swirled about in the cavernous chambers of my mind, I decided to try a two-fold rationalization of mini-games’ existence in general. After roughly 30 minutes of intensely silent writer’s block and a little progress, my fatigued brain spat out this little number:
“Foremost, with the advent of the DS and Wii, the same soccer moms and un-ambitious office workers who’d sink a few minutes into Cake Mania, Bejeweled, and, er, Super Granny 3 began to invest in actual gaming hardware, as they were no longer content with what a midrange PC or the aforementioned toaster [Keep reading, you’ll get this joke soon –Nathan] could provide them. These people, who now make-up a large portion of the Nintendo DS’ audience, were used to simple, straightforward gaming experiences; hardcore, gamers’ games wouldn’t do. But tossing a single five-minute-long game onto a $30.00 cart would surely cause outrage in even the most uninitiated gamers, so instead, developers decided to cram tens, or even hundreds, of mini-games onto a single cart. Thus, the mini-game collection came into prominence.”
Problem: That paragraph’s really long…and irrelevant…and rambling…and, well, you get the idea.
2. I so greatly wanted to elaborate on Mama’s character, but such a section just didn’t fit in with the other kids on CM2 review playground. Even so, Mama is quite astounding! See, she only speaks about three lines of dialogue, but she uses this endearing, old-Japanese woman accent; granted, she appears to be in her mid-20’s, but becoming a cartoon will do that to you. Anyway, for all intents and purposes, she carries the game! As I said in the review, she constantly encourages you through each challenge, pushing you just hard enough that you don’t get frustrated. And besides, how can you get angry when Mama’s sparkly-eyed grin is peering straight into the depths of your soul?
3. I was actually going to use a few more cooking puns, like “All is not peachy in the world of CM2,” but I decided against it. You’re probably thanking your respective god or gods right now.
Miscellaneous comments
1. Yes, the “and who can resist the allure of a mystery package” line is a Family Guy reference. I couldn’t help myself.
2. In decorating Mama’s kitchen, I tried to make it as depressing as possible, just to undermine the game’s aesthetic. It’s impossible. Cutesiness pervades the experience no matter what. And besides, gray drawers clash terribly with pink curtains. Yuck.
Edited for the more sensitive viewers in the audience: deleted scenes
(The words, phrases, and mind-searing mental images discussed herein were removed after I submitted the review)
1. My original intro sentence went like this: “Mini-game collections are to the Nintendo DS as toast is to a toaster; these days, it seems as though the handheld was crafted for the sole purpose of playing – but thankfully not toasting – bite-sized gameplay experiences.” In retrospect, I suppose the toast line was kind of dumb, so I guess I’m glad it was removed.
2. “But unless you telecommute, etc,” while still a good line, was meant to be “but unless you commute in your closet.” Draw your own conclusions.
3. “Thus, Iron Chefs can opt to go for a gold medal (a near-perfect execution of the recipe), while mere mortals can aim for bronze” originally went “Thus, Iron Chefs can opt to go for a gold medal (a near-perfect execution of the recipe), while mere mortals can aim for bronze (‘Mama will fi…oh my’).” See, it tied-in with Mama’s quote from earlier in the paragraph. I found it amusing, but then, not all of my jokes amuse other people, unfortunately.
4. Now, the next edit kind of changed my meaning in regards to how I felt about the game’s pacing. In my opinion, it doesn’t make quite as much sense in its edited form. Since the changes are fairly prevalent, I’m going to post the paragraph twice: first in its published form, then in its uncut, un-rated form.
“Difficulty isn’t the only area in which CM2 carves out its own little niche; pacing treads a fine line as well. Given the length and array of puzzles that one must complete, CM2 could be classified as a minigame collection, which typically fall into one of two categories: long (Rayman: Raving Rabbids) or short (Warioware). Like many great chefs, CM2 doesn’t stay with established conventions and blazes its own trail by representing the best of both worlds. What it ends up with, then, is a bunch of Warioware-style microgames that allows budding chefs all the time they need between each step in a recipe. Realistic? No. Relaxing? Yes. Frantic? Most definitely.”
VS.
“Difficulty isn’t the only area in which CM2 carves out its own little niche – pacing treads a fine line as well. But instead of keeping with genre conventions, CM2 opts to blaze its own trail. See, mini-game collections typically fall into one of two categories: long (think Rayman: Raving Rabbids on the Wii) or short (think Warioware). CM2, like many great chefs, takes a little from each side and tosses the resulting concoction into a blender. What it ends up with, then, is a bunch of Warioware-style microgames in the framework of a long-form mini-game collection. That is to say, instead of rapidly moving from one microgame to the next, CM2 allows budding chefs all the time they need in-between each step in a recipe. Realistic? No. Relaxing? Yes. But is it frantic? Also yes. CM2 represents the best of both worlds.”
5. This line came out kind of awkwardly, but it’s mostly my fault: “You’ll find yourself dejectedly wondering why the spoon wouldn’t budge, even though your stylus was resting right on top of the stirring spoon.” Even in its original wording, it was pretty bad. Is this an improvement? Not really. But then, outside of removing the line completely, there wasn’t much of a way to improve it.
6. The review’s final sentence ended with “but don’t take it outside” as a sort of tie-in with my opening about CM2’s less-than-masculine aesthetics. I miss that ending, as the published final sentence feels kind of generic. Rent it? How many times have we heard that phrase? As is, it’s sorely lacking; it feels like a millipede sans a few hundred legs.
Overall, though, I’m fairly satisfied with how this review turned out. Sure, some of my jokes fell to the slings and arrows of not-so-outrageous editing, but that’s nothing overly detrimental.
So, what do you think about my review of my review? Should I keep doing this? More importantly, will anyone even answer this question? Well, regardless, this’ll probably end up becoming a regular feature, with my commentary growing more entertaining once I find my footing in this odd, meta-review writing style.
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